Damascus Road

Kingdom Sexuality

2012-02-05T18:58:00.001-08:00

This week in the DTS we had a speakerfrom Kona named Kenny Jackson come and speak on kingdom sexuality. Ilove this week because it applies to literally every person on earth,and no, it's not just a week-long purity talk (shoot me if it was.)Purity is a part of it but the heart of this week is relationships asGod originally designed them to be and the importance of marriage.Kenny used the example from the Bible that after the flood God usedone family made up of 4 marriages to re-start the human race. Itdidn't matter to God is there was a farmer, and builder, a doctoretc., what mattered were the marriages between and man and a womancommitted to each other.

And that right there is the statementthat tends to get peoples attention and get their feathers ruffled.Marriage. Between a man and a woman. Committed to each other. Youdon't have to be a sociologist to realize that the importance ofmarriage in our society is dwindling rapidly. It's almost aridiculous idea not to live together before you get married,if you get married at all because what does that piece ofpaper prove anyway? What kills me is that this way of thinking isrunning rampant in the body of Christ, making us look more like theworld and less like the bride we should be.

One of Kenny's teachings focuses onthe question of why we should get married and he proposed thatsince the divorce rate is still hovering around 50%, there has to bea greater reason than just because you love each other and want to betogether. Yes, those are great reasons, but they are too small, toobased on human emotion which so easily changes. But what if marriagewas about finding a spouse with the same calling on their lives asyou and the both of you partnering with God in His plan of redemptionfor mankind! And then, when you are married, you have or adopt kidsand pour the values of the kingdom into them and they eventually dothe same thing for their kids! It's like the great commission,discipleship and multiplication all in one!

I know I've barely scratched thesurface of this subject, and I'm not even married myself so pleasedon't throw anything at me if this ruffled your feathers a littlebit. The greatest take-away point from this week is that marriageshould be honored by all (it's in the Bible, somewhere in Hebrews),and that it is a gift and a privilege that God designed so Heprobably knows the best way for it to work. Same thing withsexuality, it is a gift that was designed by God so He knows thatbest way for it to work. Not what you hear in health class, not whatyour friends say, not what you read on the internet, but what doesGod say about it in His Word. He cares about every part of your life,not to make you guilty, but because He loves you, a lot.

On another note, after a long week inlectures and teachings and overall sitting, team India took amuch needed mental break and went hiking on Friday. It was a reallyfun end to a really great week!

A Teacher is a Broken Learner

2012-01-28T21:08:00.000-08:00

So, I've realized that I have informedyou all that I am on DTS staff, maybe I have mentioned that currentlystaffing the lecture phase of this school, but I have never fullyexplained what a lecture phase is and for that I apologize. Thelecture phase of a DTS is essentially the book knowledge and outreachis the application. During the three month lecture phase we bring inspeakers who teach on different subjects each week, the first week wefocused on spiritual disciplines and this week we learned abouthearing God's voice.

I absolutely love this week ofteaching, I think it is so important to everyone's walk with God andI love seeing people hear God's voice especially for the first time.Plus our teacher, Donna Jordan, is maybe the sweetest lady I've evermet and even though I have been practicing hearing God for awhilenow, I feel like she taught me even more how to hear Him.

All that to be said this has been awearing week on me for some reason. It's not like I have a wholebunch of extra things on my plate, really it's just my jobresponsibilities, but I felt like getting everything done was likewrestling with a 16 armed octopus. The main thing I was strugglingwith was planning my Bible teaching lesson that I do every Thursday.I know I have a teaching gift and I believe in teaching the Bible,but as I was preparing my notes I was starting to get really angrythat this is what I am called to do. I had all these fears that Iwouldn't be an entertaining teacher and that nobody actually caredabout the Bible. Then I started wishing I had other gifts likehealing, or prophecy or seeing or something more supernatural,something that would prove that I really was anointed by Godand that people would get excited to hear me speak because of it.

Thursday comes around and I amteaching a Bible history overview. I prayed a lot into the class timeand I basically gave the time up to God and did the best I could, andI feel like it went pretty well. After I finished teaching I got aglass of water at the break before lecture, and as I was drinking Iheard God speak so clearly in my mind “I was a teacher too.” ThenGod reminded me of all the times Jesus stayed for hours teaching inthe synagogues and to the crowds, and I bet that not everyone wascompletely enraptured in what He was saying. Then God spoke to me“feed the hungry,” which to me means that I need to teach for thepeople that want to learn, not to those who just want a good show. Ifeel incredibly blessed to have this gift and ability, not as a pridething, but I feel really passionate about teaching again, Jesus saidto do what He did right?

Another lesson from this week, nomatter how crazy your schedule seems or how much work you have to getdone still, take a break. Eat a meal that's just cheetos, go to thebeach, barbecue steak with friends, we're on this earth to do morethat just work. I'm still working on the concepts of 'rest' and'break,' and today I got to take a much needed one with some preciouspeople in my life, I am blessed.

Team India Glory Chasers

2012-01-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

Our India team is assembled! Myco-leader and I will officially be taking 7 students, 5 girls and 2guys, to India this March for two and a half months! Yesterday weannounced the teams and had our first team meeting to get to know oneanother and to share our hearts for the trip. A lot of our studentsknew even before they came to DTS that they wanted to go to India andfor others as soon as India was offered to them they felt a hugepeace about going. My co-leader and I also shared some of the wordsthat God gave us for this outreach:

Our team will be defined and marked by unity and compassionate love.
There will be 7 students. :)
“The blind will see” - both my co-leader and I got this word.
God wants revival in India, He is ready to release it!

One of the reasons I am so excited togo to India is because of what God is already doing there. Everyreport that we get from our short-term teams and our long-termmissionaries say that the church is exploding, both in numbers and inpassion. People in Asia are encountering the living God and they arehungry for more of Him. The kingdom of God is advancing rapidly inIndia and I want to see the fire that God is releasing! The blind arereceiving sight, the deaf are hearing, the sick are being healed andpeople are getting saved and I want to be a part of that! My heart isso full of expectation for this outreach and I'm pumped about theteam I'm going with.

My co-leader and I are still prayingabout certain areas we want to go to in India, but we are most likelygoing to the Chennai area which is in the south and to Bangalorewhich is a little west of that area. Please be praying for us as wepray into the specific areas that God wants us to go to.

Starting out with a Bang

2012-01-15T00:43:00.000-08:00

This has been one of the morehard-working prep weeks I've experienced. Since Monday, our base hasbeen working hard finishing a construction project, moving furniturearound, setting up housing, cleaning every corner, printing handouts,picking up every student and planning every activity for thisupcoming week, plus staff meetings. Then Thursday came, the studentsare here and moved in, and as I looked around, I took a deep breath,and I knew it was totally worth it.

We have 23 students this quarter, 15girls, 8 guys, all of them awesome! For one, they are all funny andfriendly people which has made it so fun to get to know them. OnThursday we went to a beach for a barbecue, on Friday we went on ahike and today we went to the beach again, discipleship is reallyhard...

I probably say this about every newgroup, but there really is something different about these students.On Friday night we had them all share what they were most recentlydoing, why they chose to come to YWAM Honolulu and what theirexpectations are for this DTS. I was so blessed by their answers, allof them feel called here, many of them said that as soon as theystepped on base they felt the presence of God and all of themmentioned that they wanted to experience the Holy Spirit! I couldpractically feel their desperate desire to know and experience God,all I was thinking is “we're going to have to run to keep up withthese guys!”

The girls at Bellows Beach

One of the words that the staff gotfor this school was worship, and these students have already embodiedthat word. A few nights ago a bunch of the students approached me andasked if there was a place where they could worship right then, Itold them to go to the prayer room, and about 15 of them went, nostaff included! I just love the heart and the passion that they haveand I have nothing but expectation and joy in my heart for thisquarter!

First Week of January Quarter

2012-01-08T00:12:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year 2012! As a rule, I generally don't make new years resolutions out of anticipation of future guilt. However, I also get a cheap thrill out of breaking rules (ask any of my leaders), so here are just a few that I plan on doing this year:

1) Blog at least once a week
2) Get better with supporter communication
3) Will obviously run 23 miles a day and lose 54 pounds by next Tuesday
4) Get the western hemisphere saved by next Thursday
5) Get a full body dragon tattoo
6) Get previous tattoo removed
7) Not get lice
8) Not get dysentery

I'll keep you informed on my progress.
Meanwhile, here are some of the things going on here at YWAM Honolulu. It's actually been a pretty busy week preparing for this quarter. The big change was the guys and girls changing houses, the girls now live in what is known as the Creek house, currently in renovation, but probably the nicest house on base. Other than that it's been office work, cleaning things, staff meetings, you know, the exciting things of being a full-time missionary.

We have 24 students coming this quarter, a few of them have already arrived on the island, the rest of them arrive in the next few days and everything gets kicked off on the 11th! Some of the things that God has been speaking about this school are worship and fighting for truth. I love the Holy Spirit and how He shows up and God has been highlighting the need to be grounded in Biblical truth. It's awesome to jump high, but what matters is how straight you can walk when you land.

This is where the fighting comes in, so much of our thinking has nothing to do with Truth yet God tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. It's literally going to be a fight to change our ways of thinking, but it's so worth it, it's like going on a journey back to Eden. Adam and Eve had minds based on God's truth, they were the holiest people ever and they were also the happiest, you can see the object lesson here.

I don't really have any expectations for this quarter, I know it's going to blow my mind because God loves to do that, but I'm going into this with my mind and eyes open. It's going to be a good year.

To Break Every Chain

2011-11-23T15:44:00.001-08:00

One of the Buses on Hotel Street in Honolulu

Way cool story from last Friday when another girl and I wentout to Hotel Street for evangelism! Aswe were walking the street a homeless man sitting on the ground stopped us andasked if we had a few dollars for him to get on the bus.

Heneeded to get to the hospital because a few days prior he had fallen in thestreet and a bus had ran over his leg, I saw it, it looked gnarly. I told himthat I didn’t have any money; but that I believed in Jesus and that He can healpeople and I asked him if it was okay if we prayed for his leg. He said yes, weprayed for healing, and I asked him how his leg felt and he said that it stillhurt but that when we were praying for him he felt “tingly all over, goosebumps, and like he got a spark of new energy.”

I told him that that feeling was the HolySpirit and I asked him if he believed in Jesus. He told us that he did in away, he was raised Mormon and converted to Catholicism as an adult, and then hestarted sharing with us about how he was sent to fight in Vietnam. Specificallyhe shared with us stories of the violence that he saw and was a part of, andwith tears in his eyes, explained how he was still so full of guilt and shamefrom it all.

At thispoint I shared the Gospel with him and how God wants to set him free of guiltand shame and is able to because of what Jesus did on the cross. I asked him ifhe believed that Jesus could set him free from these things and if he wanted usto pray with him and he said yes. We then led him in prayer breaking off guiltand shame, rebuking the enemy’s hold on him and declaring the truth of God overhim!

When wefinished praying I asked him how he felt and he said that he felt lighter,relieved, and that his leg didn’t hurt anymore! I asked him “really?” and hesaid yes, his leg really didn’t hurt! We were so stoked and I asked him if hebelieved that Jesus wanted a relationship with him and he said “I do now.” Howsweet is that! We serve a God that not only wants to physically heal people,but He sets Vietnam vets free from decades of guilt and shame!

With Fire In Their Eyes

2011-11-07T22:28:00.001-08:00

“We’re so used to training people how to deal with rejection in evangelism, what about when people are hungry for Jesus and want Him?”“The number one thing that Satan would want to steal from the church is the Holy Spirit because then the church is a club with rules but no power.” These are some sound bites from our last week of DTS lecture on the Holy Spirit, simple words, but they set the tone for our local outreach to Hotel Street last Friday. It would literally take me days to get down all the amazing stories of breakthrough and Jesus encounters that happened last week and maybe one of these days I’ll get around to it. From my simplified point of view we all spent a week getting to know the Holy Spirit and the culmination of those encounters was a steadfast knowledge of the character of God and the power of the Holy Spirit roaring inside of us!
Back to last Friday, a group of fifteen of us went down to Hotel Street for a few hours that night for evangelism. Hotel Street is an area of Honolulu which is characterized by a growing homeless population, prostitution, drug cartels and on this particular night, a block party in the streets in front of the clubs. In the van on the way down you could feel the excitement in the air, actually it was more like faith and boldness coming out as the fear of man fell away in the power and presence of the Holy Spirit, but I don’t want to get too theological . In my own mind I was absolutely stoked to go after demons, break chains and see God move in the hardest and darkest place on the island!
So we get down there and three other girls and I go together in a group. The spiritual atmosphere is pretty heavy and the streets are crowded with people on their way to the bar or club. This only got us more excited because this is prime for God to show up! We had a conversation with a shaman for about fifteen minutes and then we felt like the Holy Spirit told us to move on and go into the Eastern Mysticism trinket shop. Another girl and I pretty much immediately discerned that there was a presence of witchcraft in there that we needed to bind and break off. I walked up to this one cabinet full of things that I felt that presence the strongest, put my hand on it to pray over it and it started vibrating! We spent a number of minutes praying over it until we felt that the spirit had been broken off.
After that we walked down a few more feet and in between two store-fronts there was a giant wrought-iron gate and through it I could see a curved hallway with a bunch of women dressed fairly provocatively. I asked the Holy Spirit what was going on and I feel like He told me it was a trafficking situation, I immediately got righteously angry and we all started interceding like mad. The gate was locked to us but then a man pushed past us, typed in the code, walked through the gate and into the hallway but the gate didn’t close behind him. In a moment of boldness (not necessarily wisdom) I grabbed the door and walked through and asked one of the girls what was going on. They told us it was a show and that we needed to leave, so we did, praying over the place the whole way out.
We walked a few more blocks to a busy street and we felt the Holy Spirit tell us to stay there. I felt like one of the girls needed to stand up on the bus stop and preach the Gospel to the street. She asked me if I would pray over her first, so I did, and she got up on the bench ready to preach. She had her mouth open ready to speak and a man walked up to her, asked what she was doing, she told him she was preaching about Jesus and he asked if he could know more! All night she had different people coming to her to talk to her about Jesus! Meanwhile, another girl with us who has an incredible singing voice was singing over the whole street and people started lining up to ask her who she was singing about! Come on! The days of difficult or boring evangelism are over! People are hungry for real Jesus!
But wait, it gets better! As those two girls were ministering, a fellow staff-member and I looked across the street and the same guy got highlighted to both of us. I got a word of knowledge from the Holy Spirit for him and we crossed the street to go talk to him. I didn’t tell him the whole word because I didn’t feel like it was wise in this case but I did tell him that God wanted to bring freedom in his life. The guy then tells us that it’s interesting that we came up to him because he’s a devout atheist and he believes that all religions are false. We end up having a 45 minute conversation with this guy and he’s asking us our opinions and our testimonies! At one point we ask him if he feels fulfilled in his life and he tells us no, even in his skepticism he knows he is made for abundant life! At the end of our conversation he tells us that what we’re doing is great, he thinks it’s awesome that we’re telling people about Jesus, an atheist told us that!
Friends, the Gospel is good news, it’s simple and it works and the Holy Spirit is an essential and non-negotiable component! Matthew 11:12 says “From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it.” The Kingdom of God comes when people who are sold-out and madly in love with Jesus step out with a holy boldness and fire in their eyes! John Wesley said, “"Give me one hundred men who fear nothing but sin and desire nothing but God, and I care not whether they be clergyman or laymen, they alone will shake the gates of Hell and set up the kingdom of Heaven upon the earth.” The Kingdom of God is here, the Great Commission is not only possible but it is fun!

Brief Synopsis of October

2011-10-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Aloha and happy October! We’re nearly halfway through the Discipleship Training School and God has been showing up and showing off! It’s the end of week four of the lecture phase and the amount of freedom and breakthrough that the students have experienced is astounding. Here are just some of the stories from the past seven weeks:

-A student was healed of Siliac’s disease (can’t eat gluten) and it was confirmed by

her eating pizza and smores!
-A student was healed of her lactose-intolerance and has been confirmed by her ability to drink milk and eat ice cream now!
-A student we prayed for had an old shoulder injury and couldn’t raise her arm above her shoulder and through prayer the Lord healed her and she has full use of her arm now!
-A student was healed of a very painful ulcer that she had been living with for the past three years!
-A bunch of our students have experienced major freedom in the areas of identity and personal worth and value.
-Our local outreach teams to the University of Hawaii, Manoa Valley and the homeless community have all seen breakthrough and fruit produced as we serve and evangelize to the people.

God is moving and this isn’t even all that He’s done; we’ve barely tipped the iceberg! With God moving so powerfully it’s only natural that we feel some opposition from the enemy which we have had our share of. I can only describe the spiritual climate here right now as ‘crazy,’ lots of cool highs with God but in the next moment we could be under major spiritual attack. I’ve never experienced so much push-back and retaliation from the enemy before so clearly he doesn’t like what we’re doing. Regardless, God always comes out victorious and we come out even more pumped up than before, just another workday…

Chapter Breaks

2011-09-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

So, I’m waayyy overdue for an update and I apologize, it was equal parts business and laziness which is quite the juxtaposition really. Let’s start big and microscope in: I spent five weeks this summer at the Circuit Riders seminar in Kona, went home to Gig Harbor for two weeks and I am now back at home in Honolulu where I will remain until December.

Circuit Riders: In every good story there is a point in time that defines the character, the plot is defined and a goal is set, I feel like that was what happened to me for those five weeks in Kona, HI. I have grown up with a rich Christian heritage and have been in ministry and missions for years, but it wasn’t until this last summer that I felt called up and into my eternal purpose on earth as eternity was stamped into my heart. I am forever changed to the point of no retu

rn and I wake up each morning and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am saved, redeemed, and set on a path of glorious destiny and my only job is to love and adore my beautiful Savior! I’ve looked into the eyes of Jesus and am convinced that He is it; He is all I will ever want or need and the only thing worth living for!

Gig Harbor: Such a sweet time of rest and re-connecting with friends and family! It was like the perfect amount of time to be home, to enjoy my life and continue to process what God had done in my life over the past few weeks. What was interesting about this time at home compared to previous visits was what God did in my heart during this time. I asked the Lord to give me a love and appreciation for my home and the people who have brought me to the point I am at today and the Lord totally gave me His heart for Gig Harbor! I felt like it was truly a part of me and I was proud of it, consequently when I flew back to Honolulu I felt like I was 100% released to go and 100% welcomed back to GH when the time comes. It would take too long to explain here the significance of that feeling, but the gist of it is that I have struggled with where my heart is, and I know that the Lord has expanded it to house several homes and to have peace in every one.

Honolulu: Back to the island! Back to my glorified trailer park, cramped housing and way too much hair in my drain! Back to the place my heart loves, the people I am so blessed to live and serve with and the climate my being thrives in! For this next season in life I am a part of the Discipleship Training School staff and I am beyond stoked for what God has already done on this base and what He is going to do in these students! The last two weeks have been filled with staff training and I fully believe that God has brought revival to this base. What I mean by that is that for the first time since I’ve been here is I see every heart is unified with each other, differences have been laid down and everyone has their eyes locked on just Jesus. The culture of the Kingdom of God is here and is being walked out daily and it is just so awesome to be here! When the focus is just on Jesus and His Word everything becomes so simple because everything comes into alignment with His perfect will. The students arrive here in the next couple of days so I will continue to update you all with what is sure to be an exciting quarter!

Rise Up Burning Ones!

2011-07-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

God is real guys, God is real! I’m not trying to be cute or crass but let it be known that God is real!
I’ve been here in Kona for two and a half weeks, I have two and a half weeks more to go of the Circuit Riders seminar and words are failing me to explain all that has happened in such a short amount of time. The schedule here includes morning lecture followed by various activities like practical training, small group, work duties and community outreach which for me is door to door evangelism.
Just looking at that makes it seem so quaint, so calm and controlled and programmed…it’s so not that way. I am amongst the craziest group of revolutionary revivalists and Jesus lovers I could have ever imagined! From day one the leadership laid out the culture of revival and this whole group has eagerly laid hands on those concepts. Concepts like Just Jesus, having a zeal for His presence, radical faith and complete trust in Gods word, happy holiness, un-offendable hearts, joyful repentance, thankfulness, radical obedience and discipleship. From day one there was an individual revival in everyone’s heart which led to a corporate breakout of the kingdom of God.
Again, I’m not trying to be cute or use unnecessary strong language but what I have seen in myself, the peop

le I am surrounded by and the results of our community outreaches has absolutely destroyed my box of who God is and what He can do. Here’s an off-the-top-of-my-head list of what God has done in two and a half weeks:
-At least 50 people saved in the Kona community
-89 year old Thai Buddhist got saved
-4 cases of scoliosis healed
-Multiple back and knee healings
-Broken ankle instantly healed
-Newly saved people in the community seeking out discipleship
-My asthma was totally healed
-People are preaching the gospel in public, people are getting saved, healed and delivered!
Oh my goodness God is amazing! I could go on for days about every single revelation and teaching but I won’t do that, at least not here. Here’s the latest journal entry of mine, I feel like it best sums up the state of my heart right now:
July 26th – “God, You are the most kind, faithful man I have ever known. I love that You are uncompromising in Your will and in Your gifts. I love that You are holy and that You have called everyone who loves You into Your standard of holiness. Without Your holiness Lord, we would not see Your faithfulness. You are true to completion on every word that You speak, we can trust every word that You speak! You are the God of the angel armies who has wrath and indignation against sin that You would destroy whole cities. But You are also the God who would and does humble Himself to tell me of the jealous love You have for me.
There is so much romance and adventure in Your heart! For too long the world has bound me in lies, telling me that it would be too much work to love You. Telling me that You would demand too much, that it’s a painful road to walk. But Lord, I know that if they looked You in the eyes just once, their mouths would cease to speak these lies. With one glimpse of Your goodness, of Your face, I am forever convinced that You are the only thing worth living for. My soul and spirit is releasing a battle cry right now, “I will enjoy You my God!” I will adore You! I will love You! I will serve You! I will be fascinated with You!”
Revival is here, I know because it’s already happened in my heart! I am done with any lie that says I am apathetic, complacent, impure or unworthy of God’s holiness and righteousness! The truth is that no one is apathetic, no one is complacent (I am speaking to believers); we just haven’t been told that we are allowed to give our lives in costly, sacrificial and surrendered devotion to God! Every good movie plot confirms this, we are created for costly devotion and no matter what, we will sacrifice for something. (If you are listening to the Circuit Riders Podcasts on Itunes, yes, I am quoting Andy Byrd, please don’t sue me.)
Psalm 69:9 “for zeal for your house consumes me,” David said this, the man who is known for having a heart after Gods heart, a man who was marked by having unapologetic zeal for God and His ways. This is the heart of revival, it’s not an organization, a time period or the stuff of fairy tales, it’s complete and total surrender to God and His Word with joy and passion as markers. I carry revival in my heart, you carry revival in your heart, be released to love the Lord with everything in you! Rise up burning ones!

The End of a Pier, Time to Jump

2011-06-27T21:14:00.000-07:00

Here we are again, the end of another quarter. It is week twelve in the Biblical Core Course here at YWAM Honolulu and it sort of feels like everything has been set to fast-forward. My brain is full to bursting with everything Bible and the students seem to be in a healthy state considering the countless hours they have spent studying. All the late nights, hard work and devotion to understanding the word of God seems to have been worth it. Hooray!
Usually at the end of a quarter I tend to write about the theme of the past season and a synopsis of all the amazing things that God has done and how radically I have been changed by God and through the experience. This has been a very different season for me and I truly wish I could write a nice wrap-up blog, but I am struggling to come up with the words and how to convey everything I am feeling. Not because of a lack of God or experiences but because I feel as if everything in me is ready to explode with His Spirit and I want to praise His name and shout and sing and I am so frustrated by the human language and how it falls so short of communicating the amazing glory of the Lord that I have seen and experienced! I have never shared things like this before but here are some excerpts from my journal over the past month that will hopefully communicate better than I can at the moment.

May 25th – The Lord has made it clear to me that I have been called not to a comfortable life, but it is a life lived in His presence and abiding with Him. In light of everything that God has done in and for me it seems so dumb to worry about finances. Even as I sit here asking God to tell me if He will provide God is asking me “do you know who I AM?”

June

2nd – I feel like God is preparing to take me on another adventure, I feel like my soul is aching for God to do a major breakthrough in me and drive my whole being deeper into Him to a point of no return.

June 6th – “Lord, remove any areas of pride in my life. Refine with fire the areas of my life that are not submitting to You. Whatever pride I am holding in my own abilities, drive me to repent of it. I know that You have given me gifts and abilities and I ask that You continually remind me that You are the one I should be serving in this.”

June 9th – Let me fall more in love with You!

June 16th – I’m powerless, I have $20 in my checking account. Literally every penny for Circuit Riders is going to be a miracle and all the glory to God. There’s still that little flame in me that is expecting a huge financial miracle everywhere I turn. Every time I go to the office to check the mail or check my paypal account my heart does a little jump of anticipation. I feel like God is going to answer my relentless heart because that’s the kind of God He is, He feeds the hungry.

June 25th – So many thoughts battle for control over my mind. I can actively choose to dwell on things that are right and good but the instant I let my guard down anxious thoughts creep back in. I can feel myself start to doubt God and how powerful He is and His character which is a dangerous and slippery slope. But the reality is that my life is good, so good on so many levels. God has been so good and so gracious to me in this season. He has given me His Holy Spirit which I have never felt more powerfully over me. He has given me so many amazing and beautiful things to ponder I feel as though I can get lost in His marvelous light!

June 27th – “God, You are so Holy, so Holy, so Holy. I’ve made You so small in my attempt to understand You. Thank you for Your Holy Spirit and for making the flame inside of me so strong. Lord, I have not figured you out, You are too big and too great. All I can ask for is a heart that is dependent, trusting and faithful to what You’ve told me about Your plan and my role in it.

I’m so in love! I’m a wreck, my heart has been ripped wide open, my wisdom and logic smashed to dust and my future is clouded in uncertainty. But I have never felt more whole, more solid, more protected and more confident that my God truly is my God and He is for me. My relationship with God right now is sort of like how the leading lady in an Indiana Jones movie would feel about Indiana Jones. The leading lady though appalled at the snakes below her sometimes, simply looks into Indiana Jones’s eyes and knows that she can follow him wherever he goes and no matter the consequence, his character is trustworthy. My God is trustworthy, and unlike Indiana Jones He is infallible and totally committed to me. God has challenged me to live in total dependence on Him in every moment and to trust that He will equip me fully for whatever awaits me on my journey.
Most of you have been following my journey since I first went into YWAM in 2009 and are aware of my next step in going to Kona in July for the School of the Circuit Riders. ( for more information on the focus and purpose of me doing this school, scroll down the page a little more to my last blog where I explain it and have posted a video)
Since I was accepted at the beginning of this month, the Lord has been speaking to me about financial provision and has been faithful to provide $800 of the $1400 tuition and my plane ticket since then! God is so good, so faithful! The remaining $600 is due this Thursday, July 1st. I humbly ask you that you would prayerfully ask the Lord if there is an amount that He wants you to give and that His Spirit would speak peace over you and bless you for your sacrifice. A thousand thank you’s to those of you who have generously supported me in this already! If you would like to give, the fastest way is to donate through the Paypal link on the right side of this page. Thank you for financially supporting me and spiritually joining me on this amazing journey!

The Lord will guide you always;
He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
And will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
Like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:11

Falling in Love, Losing my Heart and Where to Go From Here!

2011-05-25T03:13:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 60:1-2
“Arise, shine, for your light has come,
And the glory of the Lord rises upon you.
See, darkness covers the earth
And thick Darkness is over the peoples,
But the Lord rises upon you
And His glory appears over you.”

This has been such a crazy season with the Lord, a season of brilliant revelation and an awakening in my heart to His love that I haven’t experienced before nor thought I was capable of feeling. It seems like every week God is doing something in me and in my life that He hasn’t done before and I don’t know where He’s going with all this but I absolutely love the journey! So many fresh movements of His Holy Spirit! So many moments of the eyes of my soul being enlightened! So much love in my heart for Jesus that I have moments when I feel as if my heart will burst and then He deepens the depth of my heart to love more! In one of my quiet times the Lord gave me Isaiah 60:1-2 which I have been meditating on and I feel like it’s a promise, a blessing and a statement of my identity all in one. What am I talking about, it’s so much more! It’s the living breathing word of the Lord of the universe!
About a week ago God gave me a revelation/conviction that really spoke to me in regards to how I view myself and my expectations of what God can do in and through me. We were in the van on the way to church and the van was stopped at a red light. I looked out the window and I saw a bird walking on the sidewalk, it walked for like ten feet and then it walked off into the grass. I leaned over and mentioned to my friend how funny it looked to see a bird walking around when it was born with wings. Instantly I felt like that was something for me to recognize from the Lord, figuratively speaking I am a bird and I’m walking everywhere. I know the Lord has given me amazing spiritual gifts and natural ones as well and I’m acting like I’m powerless in this world. More than that, God has created me to be someone, to play a specific role in His kingdom and I’m walking around with my wings tucked in.
Consequently, I feel like the Lord has told me what’s next on the roster of this year’s schedule and I have to be honest, it’s got my heart pumping.
This summer there is a five-week seminar in Kona at the University of the Nations called the School of the Circuit Riders. The focus of this school is essentially Jesus and missions, but here are some bullet points from their website to describe it more:

• Students will be able to boldly and clearly teach and preach the salvation message.
• Students will understand their authority to pray for healing and walk naturally in the supernatural.
• Students will gain a foundation in the Word of God and in Christ to lead themselves and others into greater levels of faith, bold courage, radical initiative, surrender to the Holy Spirit, and to live with an un-offended heart.
• Multipliers will be made. Students will learn the basic tenets of discipleship to reproduce those who would reproduce themselves. Learning how to strategically invest in others who will invest in others.
• Each student will learn to live out and reproduce a lifestyle of worship, prayer, fasting as a means of deep intimacy and anointed commissioning.
• Leadership development and personal integrity will be understood as they relate to healthy multiplication of the gospel and longevity in life and ministry.

God has been growing these things in my heart and I feel like He is calling me to take this seminar for further training, not only for my personal understanding of God and missions but also so I can more effectively do ministry and disciple others. After the seminar I will have roughly two weeks before I will be back in Honolulu to begin the next quarter as Discipleship Training School staff. I’m so excited for this school and all that God is going to do there!
All that to be said, I am believing for the $1400 tuition fee as well as the inter-island flight. Even though I am on staff with YWAM I am not a paid employee, I am dependent on monthly support for all of my expenses. For those of you who are reading this and you are a monthly supporter of mine, a million billion thank you’s! It’s through you that I am able to continue to be Gods hands and feet to the places and people He calls me to. If you are not a monthly supporter of mine and you would like to be I gladly welcome you to be a part of my team! Look to the right panel of this blog for ways to give and get a tax-deductible receipt. If you have any questions for me or simply want to know more about who I am and what I do, please email me at madisonhasgills@gmail.com.
Thank you so much for your time, interest and prayers as I prepare to embark on this next great adventure the Lord has me on!

Failing in Love

2011-05-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like ‘failure’ is a four-letter word, not so much an expletive as it is a taboo. North Americans as a rule do not talk about their failures; in fact the only appropriate place to speak of failure in this society is in AA meetings or counseling sessions. Now, I’m not going to come out and discuss some deep dark sin so be at ease, I did fail though, but I think it was the only way for God to reach me and disciple me, I hope that got you hooked to read the rest.
About a month ago now in one of my quiet times I was asking the Lord about where to take an outreach team after this school. God really put India on my heart, like really put it on my heart in a way that I had never felt about a nation. I prayed about it for a couple of days and other people confirmed it so I told the Lord yes, I’ll take a team to India this summer. God immediately told me to give the trip back to Him and put it back in His hands. I did willingly, thinking that it meant that it was in God’s hands who went with me on the outreach, the finances etc. Fast forward a week to the night when all the students are praying about where to go on outreach, I’m sitting there, still asking the Lord if I’m supposed to go to India, still feeling ‘yes,’ and I’m asking the Lord to prepare some of the students hearts to say yes to India. We come to the end of the prayer time and two of the students announce they are going to the Philippines and two more announce they are going to Japan, no one says India.
*(Before I go further let me say that I am in no way bitter towards any person for the outcome of the outreach locations. I am beyond stoked for the two teams that are going and I know just by watching them here that they are going to bring the gospel with fire to the Philippines and Japan! Please be praying for continued wisdom, passion and financial provision for these four guys!)*
I walked out of that meeting excited for the outreach teams but lost and confused as to what just happened in my own heart. I went to the prayer room and while I can’t say that I was officially angry with God, I did voice my discomfort and embarrassment of telling people I was going to India because the Lord told me to and then it fell through. I had a small freak-out that I wasn’t actually hearing the Lord, I’m supposed to do this, this and that and mentally spun myself into the dirt. Good thing God is patient and takes His time to calm me down. When my heart had quieted down I felt God say to me just as clearly as He told me to go to India, “You will not bring more glory to Me in India than if you stay where I placed you.” God started showing me my view of God and how I was all wrapped up in missions and pouring out and doing crazy things for God, which are all good, but that’s not all God wants from me.
I spent the last year and a half doing YWAM schools, going on outreach and staffing the BCC. God has literally taken me all over the world in my journey with Him and as hard as it was sometimes, I can still walk away from it all and call it good. Regardless, I’m in a different season now, one where I feel like God is bringing me to my knees, not just to encourage humility but because He knows I can’t stand anymore and I need to stop trying. He’s saying to me, “sit down, let Me hold you for awhile and pour back into you. I love your spirit and passion for Me but I won’t let a wounded and malnourished soldier back onto my battlefield because that is not a testament to My character.” Once I admitted to myself that yes, I am broken and yes, I do need God to fix me the Lord brought me to this whole new level of intimacy in our relationship. Every day feels like new ground is being taken in my heart and my trust and faith are growing exponentially!
All that to be said, still waiting on the Lord for what to do next, got some ideas but waiting for confirmation from God. What matters is that I’m finally really falling in love with Jesus, not just in awe, not just willing to serve, but actually falling in love. It’s a nice thing, I’m okay with failing again if this happens every time!

Money Miracle!!!

2011-04-27T01:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like I just gave away the end of the story with the title, but bear with me, it's a good story. It begins like this:
A week ago Monday was the first $1,000 payment deadline for the students in the BCC. We had about 7 students who needed this first payment so we were believing for roughly $7,000. There is a week grace period to allow for the students to make phone calls, send newsletters, update blogs etc. to raise the support. After this week though, the rule is that the student will no longer continue in the school so as to not acquire debt that they cannot pay off later or will hinder them from doing anything else in YWAM. That being said, I personally have never seen anyone be asked to leave a YWAM school for money reasons alone so I didn't think it would happen now.
And then a week goes by, and a lot of money came in so I can't say that God didn't provide in that week. However, yesterday at 7 am as I was looking over the finances there was still $2,000 that needed to come in, like, that morning. I have to be honest I felt sick to my core looking at those numbers and I knew I could not bear to tell any of my students to leave because of money.
On Monday mornings we have base worship and intercession for about two hours which is normally a very spiritually filling time for me. I entered into that morning with a burdened heart yet as I was praying for Gods provision, I kept getting pictures of money falling from the ceiling of the area we were in. At the end of that time Cary, the school director asked if we could take an offering for these students just from the base and a ton of people went back to their rooms to get cash and write checks. I felt God tell me a specific amount to give and when I put that amount into the offering, all I saw was a bunch of dollar bills and coins. Definitely wasn't expecting to count much.
Then as staff we took the offering to the back table and poured it out and the amounts on the checks and bills were much, much higher than I expected. We started counting and when I saw the first $1,000 I dropped to my knees in shock. Then we counted it all and it came to the exact amount we needed!!! All $2,000 came in from the people here on base in less than 5 minutes! I was absolutely blown away by the faithfulness of Gods provision and the immense generosity of this base. The Lord truly is faithful to take care of every need of those whose hearts are after Him!
So yea, just a normal Monday morning...

I love this Quarter!

2011-04-16T19:25:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness we have such an awesome school this quarter! Thirteen students consisting of three girls and ten guys and a boatload of personality. We just finished the Seminar week where the students learn the steps of inductive Bible study using Philemon as a backdrop. Traditionally this is a week that is a lot of work and mental struggle by both the students and the staff, which it was, but it was also a really fun week which was surprising to me. As I was walking around the classroom, working with students and listening to the various debates around the room, recognized that I was actually having a lot of fun doing this!
Some of my outside the classroom responsibilities include grading five of the students homework on the weekends, which I’m procrastinating from at the moment, and handling the budget and student payment whatnot. Lots of fun with numbers and using my extremely limited math skills, I’m enjoying it though, gives me something to do and get better at.
Sorry this isn’t longer, I promise to be more detailed next time. Thank you again for your prayers and support!

Aloha!

2011-03-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

After a three month hiatus I am back in the blogging world and have fled the mainland! I last blogged at the end of my time in Mexico as staff for the Biblical Core Course in December 2010. It’s now the end of March 2011 and I am now in Honolulu, Hawaii preparing to begin a new quarter as BCC staff. Quick recap over the past few months at home:
Rest.
Babysitting.
Rest.
Bible Teaching.
Rest.
Rinse, repeat.
Not the most exciting months of my life as far a daily activities but it was also a time that God used to refresh every part of me. After a full year of YWAM schools and outreaches a few months outside of the YWAM world was maybe not totally wanted on my part, but it was very much needed. It was a time to re-establish relationships at home and with my home church, to process everything that I’ve seen and done over the past year, to work and to teach the Bible.
The teaching the Bible part was totally unexpected but it was actually an answer to what God put in my heart during my own BCC. I ended up teaching the inductive method of Bible study every Sunday to the high schoolers at my church, using Philemon and Ephesians as a backdrop. During my BCC last April I really got a strong desire to take what I was learning and teach it to my church back at home. I put that thought away for awhile as I was in the Philippines and Mexico so it was a welcome surprise to see God bring that dream back up and give me the opportunity to follow it.
The biggest revelation I got while at home is that I have been blessed and God took the whole three months to show me that. I have been blessed with a great family, a good church, good friends and over a year of great memories. I knew I was blessed with these things but I had never taken the time to fully appreciate all of them and I feel like that’s what I needed in order to move forward. To take the next step without fear or insecurity, just trust that God will continue to carry me through whatever He calls me to.
On that note I am back in Honolulu for an undetermined amount of time as staff. This April through July I am staffing the Biblical Core Course here and right now we have two girl and ten guy students! It’s Cary leading it and Sarah and I staffing it, just from these demographics it looks to be a very fun and exciting school. Look to future posts for the goings on of everything and thank you for your prayers and support!

*Speaking of support, I welcome every form of it! Even though I am staff I still pay to be here as well as for all my living and outreach expenses. I am looking for a team of 40 people to pray often and donate $25 or more monthly. You may choose to give through HCC via check and for your gift you will receive a tax deductible receipt. Please make the check out to Harbor Covenant Church but do not write my name on the check, simply attach a note to ascribe it to me. Or you can send it directly to YWAM Honolulu, either way works great and thank you!

Mexico Video

2011-02-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

The sequel to the Philippines video only about my time in Mexico, enjoy!

Philippines Video

2011-02-10T17:21:00.000-08:00

In case you were unable to come to my dessert/sharing night here's the video montage of my time in the Philippines.

There and Back Again

2010-12-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

First off, congratulations to anyone who got the Lord of the Rings reference right off before I mentioned it here, you and I should watch movies together sometime.
Yet while it is a little corny, it describes what has just happened, I am home again. Three days ago I was in Mexico, now I am not. Three days ago I was a staff member running a Bible school, now I am not. Three days ago I had an awesome room-mate, now I have my own room that is feeling more and more like too much space for one person. It's not a matter of what's better or what's worse, it just feels like I live two lives that cannot be reconciled to each other, it just is.
My last post was about bringing closure to my time in Mexico and about what I feel is coming next. And I have got to tell you, God is faithful to the desires of my heart and He really took care of both of those things. I kid you not my last week in Mexico was so good, it felt like everyone was getting along and having fun together, quality time was being spent with one another, it was like a covering of joy was placed over the whole base and over our school in particular. Of course that made saying goodbye that much harder, but I feel like pain that comes out of love is better than comfort that comes out of indifference. I might have to fine-tune that statement later but follow me here.
So now I'm home, I have finally finished unpacking, decorating my tree, sending Christmas letters, sending long over-due emails and now all I have to do is clean my room, or at least discover my floor again. A bit anti-climatic compared to the last three months but then again, this isn't a book, or a movie. This is my life, here and gone again, but this is exactly what I feel called to do. As hard as it is to say goodbye and re-settle into new places all the time, it just feels right to me. One of these days I know that God will give me roots, somewhere, but for now I am just resting in the blessings that God has given me over this past year. Resting in His goodness and rejoicing in the knowledge that He is still for me and 2000 years ago he broke through heaven to come to earth to save us. To love us in a more intimate way than the world before had ever known. Merry Christmas everyone!

T'was a Fortnight Before the Exodus

2010-12-06T11:23:00.000-08:00

Things are starting to wind down with the school as we move into the final two weeks. This week the students are taking a break from lectures and are going out and teaching others on base the inductive Bible study method. Next week we study the book of Revelation, give the final exam, graduation and then just like that, it's done.
It's beginning to look like Christmas down here, the base has a Christmas tree in reception, there is a lighted garland in the coffee shop and there is a sale on Christmas decorations at "Solo Un Precio." I actually bought a small Christmas tree from there for 10 pesos, roughly 75 cents, and decorated it with paper snowflakes. It's a little ghetto but very festive.
There's really not a lot for me to report on, not that I usually do just that but i don't really have any deep thoughts to share either. I guess the word to describe where I am at right now is "closure." As my time here at YWAM Tijuana draws to a close I am bringing closure to different aspects of life here. But it's like the old saying, "when one door closes another one opens," and I feel like God has been showing me the door He has for me. Usually I know what I'm going to do next based on a word of the Lord or there's a need or I am asked to do it. But right now I feel like God is asking me to trust my heart in what I want to do next and where I want to go. The question then becomes, what does my heart want?
My heart wants to go home and be with my family for awhile. It wants to rest in the relationships I have had for many years. My heart loves and misses Hawaii and all that YWAM Honolulu is. My heart wants to go back into Asia and the Pacific islands, possibly long-term, but I know that I need to re-charge my emotional and spiritual batteries first.
I've learned a lot during these past three months and now it's time to take all those lessons, process them and use them to take the next step. I am still unsure of what this next step looks like practically but I feel like God is slowly clearing the picture, which I am totally stoked to eventually see!

Broken. Blessed. Beloved.

2010-11-15T16:11:00.000-08:00

We have officially entered into November! Crazy! School is still going well, studied Romans last week and this week Cary is down here teaching Kings. Last weekend Lisa and I went on a house build with a bunch of college students from Calgary which was super fun. I'm getting better and better with a hammer, worse at avoiding my fingers. God has been putting some stuff on my heart that I normally wouldn't share too publicly, but I feel like that is what He wants me to do. Here goes...
Lately I have been thinking a lot about what true obedience means, the blessings that come with it and what it might cost me. Over the past year I feel like I have been pretty obedient to follow where God has called me. Whether it was doing the BCC, going to the Philippines or coming here to Mexico, I did it because I felt like it was where God wanted me, but also because I thought it would be fun. My time in Honolulu, Vanuatu and Fiji was an absolute blast! I was totally challenged physically, mentally and spiritually but I had never felt closer to God's presence. I thought that the rest of my walk with God would feel like that, that it would just get better, more fun, and hopefully easier.
I've heard several people describe DTS as your honeymoon with Jesus and I'm starting to realize how accurate that statement actually is. I'm not married in real life so I can only speak as an observer, but once the honeymoon is over, marriage actually starts. That means that two people who have said they commit the rest of their lives to each other actually have to start living it. If there are problems, they need to be addressed, if there is joy, it should be shared, if there are secrets, they should be revealed. And if all else fails and it just feels too hard, remember that promise of life-long commitment, this is where I feel I am with God. Something that I have been learning lately is that in order to have intimacy in a relationship, nothing can be kept secret. In order for true love to take place I have to be vulnerable and willing to let God see every part of my heart and soul and allow Him to fix what is broken. It means waking up every day and choosing to stay married to Jesus, choosing to love Him, choosing to let Him love me and choosing to be obedient to what He has told me to do.
I read a quote the other day that said "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." God will never take an indifferent attitude towards me, I never want to have an indifferent attitude towards Him. Every day is a choice to either love Him and bring Him glory, or to be selfish and do everything on my own. I'm a naturally selfish and independent person which means this has been one of the most difficult lessons to learn, and I am by no means finished. God is slowly breaking me, showing me how much I need Him, how trustworthy He is and how I am truly nothing without Him. I have the choice to obey or not, God is a gentleman, but really what other choice do I have? To do it on my own? To place my trust in this world? Not so much, not anymore. In my brokenness God has shown me His refuge, His perfect love. Oh my goodness we are loved and may He show you His perfect love today!

October Goings-On

2010-11-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit since the last update but it has definitely been a fun and eventful couple of weeks! We have had Aaron Larson teach the book of Mark, Danny Lehmann teach the book of Acts and we just finished our week with Dr. Ronald Youngblood teaching Exodus. Each of these weeks has brought various degrees of revelation and personal challenges in my own walk but it has been so good. Lisa and I have been getting involved with other programs that run through the base which has been a nice mind-shift from Bible study.
A week ago I went with about 20 other people from the base to central Tijuana for a ministry called Zona Norte. Zona Norte is most noted for its red light district and the many documented cases of trafficking that happen there. The focus of our ministry is to be down there, hand out food and pray with people. It was pretty intense what was going on around us but we got to pray with a few people and tell them about Jesus. One lady approached us and asked us to pray for the pain in her head and in her neck and one of the guys in our group gave her the salvation message. He asked her if she wanted to believe in Jesus, she said yes and they both prayed together and she got saved! Then we all prayed for the pain and she was totally healed! She was so excited and asked us if we could come back next week with a Bible. I love stuff like that, to be in the midst of total spiritual darkness and then God's light comes through and breaks it, I love it!
A few days later, the day before Halloween we put on this event in the colonia called Operacion Luz (Operation Light) for the kids and families. It started with a couple of skits with clowns and then one of the local pastors gave a message. After that we threw a big carnival for everyone with a bounce house, dart game, candy and Lisa and I ran the ring toss. Very, very fun night with lots of crazy Hispanic kids stoked on sugar!
Overall, school is going really well, students are awesome, staff relationships are great and I am blessed.

Teaching Week

2010-10-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

This week I can check another thing off of my "never thought i would do in this lifetime" list: I taught a book of the Bible in a Bible school.
Teaching on Ephesians was quite the experience from first lesson planning to in front of the class to my now completely brain-dead state. My thoughts right now are "did that really just happen?" and "how the heck did I do that?" Seriously, I have no formal training when it comes to teaching and it's been only six months since I have done my own BCC so I am shocked at the grace that God had for this whole experience.
But here's my confession: despite all the work, all the hours of studying, all of the frustrations of trying to understand, all of the stress of preparation and all of the mental strain of answering questions, I loved it. I truly enjoyed teaching and answering questions and seeing the students understand. However, it could not have been more painfully obvious that it was only by God's strength and wisdom that it happened. But it did happen, God did come through like He does every single time. I don't have much more to say on this, like I said my brain is thinking in fragments so I'm going to stop before I hurt myself.
Anyways, God is good, He is faithful, read Ephesians, it's pretty swell.

Back to School Week

2010-10-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

Week One down! All of our students are here! The staff are still going strong! I'm comfortable speaking Spanish! This first week was pretty chill, we went to the beach, had a pancake breakfast, went on a Wal-mart run for school supplies and Brodie taught on the canonization of the Bible and an Old Testament overview. Next week we start teaching the inductive method of studying the Bible using Philemon as the backdrop model. I feel so blessed by our students, 5 boys one girl and they are all talkative, eager to learn and best of all it is evident that they are taking this school because they love Jesus and want to learn more about Him.
Over the past week Lisa and I have been talking on and off about God's plan and how cool it is to see it fall into place, my time in Mexico feels like that. A year ago I was just starting out on this crazy missions journey and every even over this last year had to fall perfectly in place for this to happen. God is my provider and He is so faithful to His promises and I just want to shout it out loud how awesome He is! Praise the Lord! He is good! He loves you!
If you are reading this and you think I'm going off the handle a little bit, I am, I'm in love! If you haven't experienced the deep, satisfying, beautiful, safe and passionate love of Jesus, then what are you experiencing? I'm talking to the Christians here, are you truly experiencing abundant love or are you going to church on Sunday? Are you living out God's call on your life according to the leading of the Spirit or do have a job/ministry position? Are you reading the Bible with the desire to know your Father or is it a magic 8 ball for guidance when things get tough? When you worship or pray do you actually believe that a real person is the center of those activities or are they rituals to make you feel better about your participation in church?
Jesus loves you so, so much. He is desperate for you, that was His desire from the beginning and it's His desire for you right now. I'm not angry with the church, my heart is breaking over those who are searching for God in programs and sermons but are coming up empty. My prayer for you is that in this back to school season the Lord will show you His character and His love for you in a deep and life-changing way. May the Lord, your Father lavish His love over you and show you how much delight He takes in you this season!

First Day in Mexico

2010-09-18T19:54:00.000-07:00

I made it! I actually made it to Mexico! It's crazy to think that just three weeks ago I was still in the Philippines, two weeks ago I was at home and it wasn't even until last week that funding started to come in. God truly worked a financial miracle for me to be here and I thank every one of you who supported me in this.
First impressions of the YWAM base in Tijuana are friendly, chilly and living conditions that may be better than my own home. Seriously, this place is beautiful and very well done and I may actually try and take my mattress home with me in December. Everybody is super friendly here and the family atmosphere is such a good vibe to step into.
Yesterday afternoon I got the tour of the base, unpacked and then went to an all-base game night which was so fun! It just added to my good impression of how awesome and fun the people are here. Today Brodie, Lisa and I worked on setting up the classroom and putting together the welcome baskets for the students. The classroom looks great, if a little small but at least we don't have to worry about getting microphones for the teachers. This afternoon I went with Lisa and a few other people down to Ensenada to pick up someone. Nice long drive down a beautiful coastline and fish tacos for dinner, so good.
I'm just so excited to be here and for our students to arrive and for the school to get started! It has been such a good first day and a half here and truly, I feel blessed to be here.

Mexico SBS Staffing

2010-09-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Here's what's coming up next on the life of Madison: Tijuana, Mexico!
I can't believe I've been home less than a week and yet I am leaving in less than two weeks! It feels so crazy to me but at the same time it feels so right. I was asked to consider staffing the school of Biblical studies in Tijuana, Mexico last spring while I was doing my own SBS. After praying about it I knew it was the next step for me and where God was taking me next. Mind you, this is all before I even graduated the school and went to the Philippines so I'm really sorry if this sounds like I'm springing it on everyone.
I will be in Tijuana September through December of this year serving as one of the staff for the school of Biblical studies. I will also be teaching a few times, primarily I will be teaching the book of Ephesians one of the weeks. I will also have the opportunity to partner with some of the ministries that come out of the base such a housebuilding, children's vbs, etc. I am so excited!
I do have to raise my own support, which is $175 a month and pay for my plane ticket down to San Diego. This is where you come in! Please prayerfully consider supporting me as I go to teach and disciple those who are hungry for the word of God. Any donations can be sent to me or to Harbor Covenant Church where you will be able to receive a tax deductible receipt. Thank you for your support!

A Lesson on Grace in the Philippines

2010-08-30T13:55:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of person that needs to bring closure to one thing before another begins, but I'm not sure that I can fully do that with my experience in the Philippines. It was awesome, it was sad, it was hard, it was beautiful, and I am not the same. I was stretched in my faith and abilities and I had to confront some hard issues and deal with them. I think that was what made my time in the Philippines so remarkable, I either couldn't or chose not to hide from anything, including myself. I can't explain what came over me but I felt like nothing could hurt me, and even if it did I could handle it so when I heard that still small voice in my heart, I chose to obey and respond. Liz and I taught nearly every day for five weeks, did ministry that I didn't think I had the strength to do and managed to come out of the trip as friends. God's grace was so over our time together it's undeniable.
But that's just it isn't it, it's all about God's grace in our lives and choosing to live by it. During my quiet times in the Philippines God was really speaking to me about His grace for me, the grace I need to have for myself and the grace I need to have for others. I came into the trip believing that if I spent enough time in prayer and was disciplined in my quiet times and Bible study then I would have all I needed for teaching and ministry.
I quickly realized that I am not nearly as clever, gifted or energetic as I thought I was, I needed God's grace over me in order for God to use me. Then I went through a week where I was convinced that I had some un-confessed sin in my life that I had to search out because then I could be closer to God. Yes, God did show me some areas in my life that need tweaking but more than that, I learned I had to let go of the control over my relationship with God. It's a relationship, therefore I can't use my view of my own righteousness as a bargaining tool, it's a love thing. God wants me sin free, but He loves me anyways, which is why I get grace.
Finally, bringing me to another level of humility, God showed me how to have grace for those around me. I'll be honest, there were plenty of people I saw who I had every wordly right to be angry with, and a couple of times I exercised that right by venting to Liz. I was reminded of how my battle isn't against flesh and blood but against the powers of darkness (Ephesians 6:12) so I chose to see people the way God sees them. Granted, I started to see some pretty broken people, especially in the bars, but I was seeing them through eyes of grace. The more I prayed and asked God for His eyes, the harder it was for me to judge them and it shifted into me loving them with a godly love. Not an easy posture for me to take naturally but through God giving me grace and my recognizing it, I was able to give grace to others.
I'm laughing a little as I read over what I just wrote because it's like Sunday school 101! God gives grace! How many times have I heard that preached to me?! Why did it take 20 years for it to take?! I don't know God's plan, timing, or why He took me to the Philippines instead of someone else, but I do know that He did because He loves me. He gave me grace freely so that I am free to do His will. He has grace for me, He has grace for the Philippines, I have grace for the Philippines, we have all been set free by grace!

Orphanage

2010-08-10T01:49:00.000-07:00

This after noon Liz and I decided to change up our ministry a little bit and we went to an orphanage. We have been to this one before so we knew what to expect but it doesn't make it any easier to see and experience. Today, all of the kids were in the same room, looks like a large rec room with rows and rows of blue metal cribs with infants to gradeschoolers in them. It surprised me how calm these kids were, none of them were really crying except for one who I think was scared of us. I ended up holding one little girl, probably not more than six months old, for a solid hour. She was like clinging to my shirt, just desperate to be loved, held and touched by someone. She started to nod off and fell asleep in my arms and while I was standing there my heart just broke wide open. This little girl has probably not ever really felt true motherly love because she was born and instantly given up. Because of the understaffing of the orphanage, she will probably not feel that kind of love, care and devotion that every child should experience until she gets adopted, if she gets adopted. At this point tears were running down my eyes as she finally fell asleep but I also felt at peace as to why I am here in the Philippines. This little girl needed to be held, to be comforted and if today, for that hour, was the sole reason I came then that is enough. These little kids aren't just orphans, they are children of God and His heart breaks for them when they are not cared for. I'm still processing everything but of all the things I've seen and experienced on this trip so far, the face of that sleeping littler girl was the thing that moved me to tears.

Angeles City

2010-07-31T03:27:00.000-07:00

Last night Liz, the Photogenx team and I took a two hour jeepney ride up to the city of Angeles with the intention of doing bar ministry and interceding for the city and the prostitution there.
Angeles has the second highest rate of sex-trafficking in the world but I had never thought about what that would look like, the atmosphere it would create. Two of the people who were with us had done ministry in Patia, Thailand which is number one so they gave us a little bit of an idea of what we may encounter. By the end of the night even they were blown away. We got out of the jeepney, walked around a corner and were hit in the face with lights, hustlers, beggars, girls, white men and a whole lot of skin.
Our "job" for the night was to look like a customer so we could get into the bars and then take time to talk to the girls, get to know their story and maybe start the conversation of them leaving the business, prayer was also a huge focus of the night. The first bar we came to was called the "dirty duck" and we were immediately escorted inside by one of the girls. We went past the curtain and we were in this room that was surrounded by couches with a bar/stage in the middle with at least 20 girls dancing in practically nothing. Lewd pictures cover the walls, the only other customers in there besides us are men, deafening music fills our ears and we literally have nowhere else to look but at these girls who are doing their best to get a customer. I ordered a coke, and started looking at the expressions the girls were wearing on their faces. Some of them look like they could be at a wild college party and are just having fun, but most wear an expression of determination to get through this with a tinge of fear around the eyes. I couldn't look for more than a few minutes before I felt like I was going to cry.
I did get a chance to talk to one of the girls, after I thoroughly convinced her I was not a client and that I just wanted to talk. It was like her guard came down immediately and she was totally comfortable talking to me about anything and we were just chatting easily, in another life we could have been friends. She told me that she is a student who dances at night for work, she hates the job and hates it when customers touch her without her instigating it. I encouraged her to not be afraid to pusrue her dream but I could tell she had already written that off. I was sad to have to leave her but we couldn't take much more of what we were seeing and I don't think the manager was too happy that we were only ordering a coke.
We went to one more bar that night called Club Atlantis. It was about two blocks down from the first one and we were practically shoving past women holding children and children at our feet, all asking for money and showing us the kids saying it was for them. I didn't know whether to beleive them or not, if this was the truth or if this was just another side business on that street.
This next bar was much bigger, several stories high and from the outside it sort of looked like it could be the entrance to a Vegas hotel. We stepped inside and it would be safe to say there was at least 200 girls working as dancers and probably just as many working at waitresses. Liz and I went to the second story where there were less customers (they were all white men at this place, a lot of them my age even) and we got a full view of the stage where they would cycle out thirty girls at a time for each "dance." On our level there seemed to be this endless line of girls just hanging out and every now and then a green laser light would get shone on them and they would leave the line. I found out the laser light meant that a customer had called on them for the night and that was their way of calling them out. It was 1500 pesos per night there, thirty dollars american and the bar takes half: for a full night with a man the girl only gets fifteen dollars.
At this point I was completely at a loss and overwhelmed so I sort of stood in the back and prayed while we were there, that was about all I could do. We left after that to come back to Olongapo.
The two hour trip back we were all silent, just processing what we had experienced because truly, we had seen how bad this could get. For me I was just praying for a heart for everyone and asking for righteous anger for the injustice, not for the customers because beleive me, I was livid. I can't say that I'm not still angry, I just recognize that the customers are broken people too and they need Jesus and His love. I was praying that the girls would somehow, someway get the inner strength to leave and that no more would come to take their place. I was praying for the police force in Angeles because prostitution is illegal, that they would be renewed in their integrity. I prayed that families would no longer accept this as an appropriate profession for theirs daughters and sisters.
I woke up this morning feeling like I had woken up from a bad dream. But as I walked down the stairs of the shelter to get water and saw all the wonderful, beautiful women here who have escaped that lifestyle, I realized that hope and redemption is possible. Yes, it was a dark place in Angeles, but God's light will always overtake darkness. There is hope for these women and their kids. We just can't give up, we can't stop praying, we can't stop loving, we can't stop reaching out and being a light in the darkness. These are our sisters and they deserve to be fought for.

We are teaching & preaching machines!

2010-07-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks Liz and I have taught more than I thought was humanly possible. Four days a week we have a two hour teaching time for the disciples in the morning and a one hour teaching time for the workers at night. The other three days we have combined teaching times for an hour and a half each day. As tired as we are, God is renewing our energy and inspiration for lesson planning and we have seen a great response from both the disciples and the workers. It has been really neat to see the "lightbulb go off" in their eyes when they learn something brand new or finally feel they understand something. A couple of the girls have come up to us and told us how excited they were that they felt like they could actually understand the Bible for themselves because of our teaching. So good!
Liz and I went to an orphanage the other day because we had a free afternoon and we wanted to see what other ministries there were in Olongapo. It's a Catholic run orphanage so the walls were practically littered with posters of the mother Mary and in the garden outside they had a statue of the Mother Teresa in a glass case. We maybe took some pictures and videos of it...
Once inside they took us upstairs to this sweltering hot room where all the babies lived, there were 12 babies and two workers, slightly understaffed. We basically held babies all afternoon and it broke my heart when we had to leave because they all started crying. It kills me to think of what the future may hold for these kids, they're starting off their lives malnourished and starved for attention, I just hope and pray that they all find a family soon.
In a couple hours Liz and I are going up to the city of Angeles with the Kona Photogenx team to do bar ministry. Angeles has the second highest rate of sex-trafficking in the world, some of the bars have as many as 2,000 girls working a shift. We're going tonight to be a light in the darkness, to be the hands, feet and heart of Jesus to these girls and to the customers who are just as broken. Truly I don't know what awaits us there or how we will react when we get there but I know the Lord is far more powerful than any force of darkness we are walking into. Nevertheless, please be praying for us.
By the way, this is a picture of everyone who lives here at YWAM Olongapo.

First few days in the Philippines

2010-07-20T01:57:00.000-07:00

Liz and I made it and despite the heat, I daresay we are thriving in the Philippines! Our first day of travel was a bit hectic, an eleven-hour plane flight followed by a five hour bus ride followed by an extremely squishy trike ride. Luckily the next day was Saturday so we got a chance to sleep a little bit, not much by our standards because of jet lag but it was enough to get us up and around. There is a photogenix DTS team from Kona also staying at the base so that day we went out with two of their girls to explore the pool area behind a hotel here. Not a bad first day of outreach :).
On Sunday we went to the church in the neighborhood which was really nice, the pastor self-translated the message so we didn't feel left out. That afternoon Virgie, she runs the shelter, gave us the full orientation, showed us around the city and went over our schedule for the week. This first week we are teaching a ton, at least once a day for at least an hour, usually more. We just finished our third session earlier today and so far I think it's going really good. We are focused on teaching the method for studying the Bible but with the goal of discovering our identity in Christ. Whatever worried we had about talking over their heads were put to rest, the girls here are very smart and catch on to concepts quickly and seem to be hungry for whatever we have to offer.
Tonight we are going out for the first time doing bar ministry in the red light district. The purpose of tonight is to get to know the girls, make friends and hopefully over time convince them to come to the YWAM base here and become a disciple in the program. I truly don't know what I am in for tonight, I don't know if I will be completely overwhelmed or totally on fire, sad or hopeful or some weird combination of all those. All I know is that tonight is completely in God's hands and that all we can do is lean on Him and His strength. Next blog we will let you know how it goes but if you read this, please be praying for us.

To Sum Up

2010-07-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

I leave for the Philippines in five days! It’s been such a crazy and blessed journey to get to this point, the school is finished and now we are focusing on the final details of the trip. I feel like I need to tell everyone just how amazing God has been in my life over the past four months because truly, it is a miracle that I am here right now and that I’m not done yet.
Back in March when I was home I felt like God was telling me to come back to Honolulu to do the Biblical Core Course which I wanted to do but I had just finished with a big trip and a large financial undertaking and I had no idea how that would even be possible to get together in a month. I trusted God, stepped out in faith and trusted that God would meet me and would honor that. The Lord provided all my school fees, my plane ticket, all my outreach money, my laundry fee and gave us grace so that Liz and I got our visas in one day! It feels like the more I think about what it took to get me here the more I see God’s hand in everything and how He had this all planned out from the beginning, He knew I would do this course and that I would go to the Philippines, but the first step of faith is made by me.
Back in March I could have very easily said no, gone back to work and then go back to school this fall and I would have gone on with my life but would that truly have been God’s plan for me, or just the right option? There have been quite a few times these past few months when I questioned what I was doing and what do I do after this. A part of me wanted to play it safe and do what I felt I was supposed to do, that my way of life is “reckless,” but a much larger part of me knows that that option would not bring nearly as much glory to God because it would not be living out His plan for my life. On the flip side, if God told me to go home and I voluntarily chose to remain in ywam, that would also not be as glorifying to God because no matter what I am doing I would be disobeying Him.
I guess that after all of this Bible studying, all of the work I have done, all the crazy discussions and late night study sessions, there are two main things that God calls us to do: love Him and obey Him because you love Him. The Bible to me is God continually showing His people how much He loves them so deeply so that we would love Him back and follow His commandments which He gave us so that we could fully experience His love and possess the destiny He has for us. Personally I am in a place right now that feels a little spiritually dry, but I love God nonetheless because I know He is growing my faith and teaching me to trust Him in this time. God has also been teaching me that following and hearing Him is not just about a feeling or receiving tons of confirmation, it’s about hearing His voice and walking it out in faith and obedience. I know that God has called me to the Philippines and He has opened basically every door for Liz and I to go so regardless of how passionate I feel right now I can trust in God’s plan and obey. I don’t really know where I’m going with this but all I am trying to say is I am excited to go with Liz to the Philippines, I love the Lord and I am in a place right now with Him that I am content with.

Here's our agenda...

2010-05-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Here is an update of what Ian, Liz and I will be doing this July and August in the Philippines:
God has really laid the city of Olongapo on our hearts and we feel that is where we are called to do ministry for the majority of our time there. Olongapo is a city in the north of the Philippines which is characteristically know for its sex trafficking, prostitution and bar culture. We will be partnering with YWAM Olongapo whose ministry is all about meeting the girls and through friendship and discipleship bringing them out of the industry and into the life and destiny that God wants for them.
For me personally I know that God has called me to this type of ministry at least for a season and the more I think about it, the more excited I get and the more my heart breaks for what is going on in Olongapo. No girl should be forced into this industry and they cannot be forgotten or seen as a hopeless case. At the risk of sounding preachy God has a plan and a will for this world and this kind of injustice has no place in the kingdom of God. One thing I have really been praying about is getting a heart for the people I don't want to. It is easy to love and feel compassion for the girls, but it is far more difficult to feel love and compassion for the pimps, madams and customers to these girls, but God calls us to love them as well.
I know that I am not the only one who has a heart for injustices, especially regarding the sex trafficking industry. Lately there has been a bit of focus on this issue and the number one question I hear after learning about what's going on is "how can I get involved?" If this is you, I invite you to prayerfully consider partnering with Ian, Liz and I. We will be there for a little more than a month teaching, discipling and doing bar ministry at night. Right now I personally need about $2500 in order to cover plane tickets and ground fees. You can donate either through Harbor Covenant Church or directly through YWAM Honolulu, going through HCC makes your donation tax deductible! Please pray about supporting us as we prepare to go and be God's hands and feet in an area of great need.
Here is a video that a prior YWAM team made that talks about the ministry we will be doing in Olongapo.

Project Hannah (Shorter Version) from Project Hannah on Vimeo.

Philippines!

2010-05-16T03:37:00.000-07:00

I feel like this is going to sound like a Facebook status update but here it is, I’m going to the Philippines for the outreach after this school! I will be going with two other team mates, cities are yet to be decided and the length of time we will be there is yet to be decided. Basically just praying, studying and waiting on the Lord for now.
It feels like a lot has gone on since my last post, but at the same time not a lot has changed. So far in this course we have covered Philemon, Galatians, Ephesians, Mark, Acts and we start Genesis next week, taught by Ron Youngblood! If you don’t know who that is, look at the list of editors of any NIV Bible or Bible dictionary, pretty much a big deal. Every book we study brings deeper revelation of who God is and why I believe what I believe. Most of the time I end up with more questions than answers but it’s the journey that’s awesome. One of the things I have come to understand about the Bible is that God’s word is eternal, it is timeless, yet it really can’t be taken out of context. Yes, there is something to be said about taking pieces of scripture and meditating on it and that’s great, but I feel like with that method we forget that the Bible is a book, not just a string of phrases that sound nice. We wouldn’t pick up a novel, read one sentence out of one chapter and feel like we have a handle on what that chapter or even the book is telling us. We also wouldn’t take a book like Harry Potter and think it is talking about Africa because Harry Potter was not written in the context of Africa. Likewise, the Bible is God-inspired and everything in there is truth, but we can’t make it try and fit it into something it is not.
One of the ways we study the Books in this course is we color-code the text and make observations, then using historical and cultural context we make interpretations on what that observation means and from that interpretation, we come up with a timeless truth, what is God speaking through this that can apply to everyone living at any time. I really like this method because it involves reading the text and taking it for what it actually is and says, learning about the time it was written in and to the people it was written to in order to see what it meant then and then applying it to life right now. Three different aspects of studying the Bible but it is so important that they be studied together. I feel like taking one without the other is how people get these wacky interpretations on the Bible, baseless doctrines and cult foundations. My own beliefs have been challenged through this study but now I feel like I’m starting to really know what it is I believe, this is really becoming my own faith, not my parents, not my church’s, not my friends, but mine. With every breakthrough comes a more intimate knowledge of God’s heart, character and nature which further draws me to a place where I know I can’t turn back. I’m in this for the long run now, there’s not bridge that can take me back to the place where I was a year ago. There is only the road before me, I can’t see everything and I don’t know what’s around the bend, but if I truly believe that His word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path then I’m set, because I know He’s with me.

Galatians

2010-04-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

I just turned in my homework for the book of Galatians for this week, last week we covered Philemon as well. Galatians is one of those books that I actually knew where it was in the Bible and I would read it every now and again, find a verse that really speaks to me and move on with my life. Truly reading and studying the book opened up my eyes to the book as a whole and how powerful it really is. First off, Paul is a bit of a jerk when he is talking to the Galatians (5:12, he tells them to go emasculate themselves) but believe me it was necessary. Basically these church leaders called the Judeizers (put it to the tune of Britney Spears’s “womanizer”) who were these old Jewish men who felt that everyone who wanted to become a Christian, especially Gentiles had to follow Jewish law perfectly and they would be justified and granted salvation through that. This book is Paul’s letter to the Galatians telling them that the law was put in place (this is an interpretation) until Christ came to bring us true salvation. Scripture actually calls the law a curse and Christ became the curse for us (3:13) so that we are no longer bound by the law, but we now have the freedom to live by the spirit through faith.
There’s a lot more going on in this book than just that but while I was studying this book, I felt like I got a revelation of how much I need a savior and a thankful heart that my savior has unconditional love for me. I guess I had this subconscious thought that if I ever needed to ask something of God or be near to him I needed to pray a ton, have several quiet times a day, fast, or do something that would prove to God that I am worthy of His hearing me and responding to me. I’m not following old Jewish law per se, but I am putting myself under a curse of feeling that I will never be enough for God and I am a perpetual failure. Only part of that is true, yes I don’t deserve God but no, I am not a failure.
No one is ever going to be perfect, never ever, no one is ever going to be good enough to dialogue with the creator of the universe, and I am never going to deserve what Christ has done for me. That’s why I am so grateful that God did what He did out of love, He knew that we all could never earn salvation on our own, He had to send His son to be the perfect sacrifice so now we believe in Him and by faith we are saved. That’s it, it’s a little elementary but that’s the gospel, and it is oh so good!
I’m not saying that we can now do whatever you want because God loves you anyways so what does it matter, but love like this kind should inspire you to chase after the destiny that God has for you. God’s love for you is a furious and passionate love and He paid a huge price for us to live in relationship with him. I can only speak for myself, but after reading this book all I can think to do is fall at the feet of my savior and thank Him that He has called me his child and has given me true freedom in Him.

Because I don't feel like packing anymore

2010-04-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow for the Biblical Core Course in Honolulu! I'm super excited and can't see myself going to bed anytime soon, however, I am tired of packing so what is about to happen is called procrastination. Here is a list, maybe I will make it a habit to make more lists, but this is a list of things that I feel will make a bad day better. Keep in mind I am a female so some of these are gender-specific and I apologize, but I know from experience these are all great boredom/depression breakers:

1. Color in a coloring book, they are like a dollar at the grocery store.
2. Write a hand-written letter to someone, put something fun in the envelope, decorate it and mail it off.
3. Go for a walk, to listen to music or not to listen is the question.
4. Give in, watch something pointless like reality TV, or the Disney channel.
5. Be crafty and create something or repair something.
6. Take a nap *this is practically foolproof*
7. Put yourself aside, do something kind for someone else without telling them or expecting anything in return.
8. Make a to-do list of chores and actually do them.
9. Play with an animal, either your own pet or go make friends with the squirrels in your yard.
10. Build something out of anything. Break out the legos!
11. Find a swing set and use them for their intended purpose (swing on them).
12. Find the best cookie recipe ever and bake them!
13. Read something, like a book, magazine, blog...
14. Indulge, eat, get a manicure, whatever is an indulgence to you.
15. If all else fails, run, scream, cry, write, pray, nap, it should look better after that.

These are just suggestions, best of luck to you, please comment on your experiences! Okay, back to stuffing things into a backpack...

Taking the Next Step of Faith

2010-04-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

My sincerest apologies to all my followers for not updating this blog as often as I intended; since my last posting, several months ago now, I have visited Samoa, Fiji and Vanuatu, returned home and I am now getting ready to venture into the next step God has planned for me. I could go on and on about how the last 3 months abroad have changed my life and worldview and hopefully I will be incorporating stories into this blog as I have time. However, the greatest and most important lesson that I learned during my time in Vanuatu is to listen to God’s voice and then do what He says, this is called faith in action. God has proved how faithful He is in my life and to my heart over and over again, each time it is like a reassurance that He is God, He is in control and He is worthy of every part of my life. I used to live with the subconscious thought that I could give God part of my life, even most of my life, but I was entitled to a part of my life that I could control. Little by little God showed me that if I truly am to live for Him, I have to lay down my rights, my rights to my time, my money, my future, my relationships, my health, everything. But as God was showing me the things I need to lay down He was also showing me how He comes in and becomes my everything.
The clearest way that God showed me this was during the first 8 days in Vanuatu, we arrived in the country but the airlines had lost our luggage and it was back in Fiji and we had to leave the next day to go to an outer island to start doing ministry. Before we got on the boat we stopped in town to get basic necessities, I got my island dress, toothpaste and deodorant at a store and put it in my carry-on bag that had my ipod, my journal and my Bible, that was all that I had and the clothes on my back. We arrived at the island, were introduced to the village whom we loved and we were showed the hut we were going to be staying in, luckily the island dress doubles as a blanket. I was a little nervous about being without my luggage because I had my asthma and malaria medication in my luggage, without which I was not sure what was going to happen to me, if I would even be able to functionally breathe. I told God, “God, I need you to be my lungs right now, be the air I breathe.” Later that day I started to feel my lungs tighten up and I prayed again and it opened back up, I had no more breathing problems the entire time I was without my medication! For seven days all ten members of our team had nothing but the same pair of clothes, God, and each other, and it honestly was one of my favorite weeks on outreach because during that time we allowed God to come in and be our everything, spiritually, emotionally and physically. We had no money, our families were thousands of miles away, our health was at stake and we were in a country we had never been in before, but for seven days, I was totally and completely satisfied!
I arrived back at home at the beginning of March, jet-lagged and culture shocked but a changed person forever. During a quiet time I was remembering all of the places God has taken me and how He showed His character and nature to me over and over again. Then I felt God asking me, “Do you trust me? Do you fear me? I’ve shown you who I am and I want to live in an intimate relationship with you, do you trust me?” That’s when it hit me, God didn’t stay back in YWAM and He is no less powerful, no less dynamic, no less radical, no less awesome and no less faithful than what I have experienced during the past six months. He is also not done growing my faith and my passion for Him, His word and missions. Consequently, I am leaving in nine days to go back to Honolulu to go through a School of Biblical Studies Core Course through YWAM which will cover 12 books of the Bible in depth and open my eyes to the word of God. It’s a little nerve-wracking because it is such a quick turn around, I have only been home a month, I will be gone for another 3 months at least and longer including the outreach and I have absolutely no money of my own to pay for it all. That last part is what is really freaking me out but every time I start to go down the road of panic, God asks me where is my faith? God continues to confirm that this is the next step for me and He wants to show me who is and encounter me through His word, probably even more than I want Him to sometimes.
So yea, I’m super excited for the next few months but I also ask if anyone is able, to prayerfully consider supporting me. Donations can be made to Harbor Covenant Church for a tax-deductible receipt, please make the check out to Harbor Covenant Church and to designate it for me, attach a post-it to it, please don’t put my name on the check per IRS regulations.
I would love to see you all partner with me as we see God move and make His name glorified among the nations! It’s an adventure for everyone to live as God calls us, I will keep you posted here on what God is doing in my life and I, as well as other followers would love to hear what God is doing in your life so if you have a story, please leave it in a comment as I’m sure it would encourage the body of Christ.
Until next time, thank you for your time, your support, God bless and please donate!

What I am Created To Do

2009-11-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

My time here at YWAM is giving me a new perspective on my priorities and life plans, or lack thereof. Things that I just assumed had to be a part of my life seem so inconsequential now, I went to the mall the other day and I had absolutely no desire (or funds) to get anything and I was okay with that. I have not driven a vehicle in roughly two months and I have a newfound love for my two legs and the bus system. My motto has become if it's free or I can borrow it, yes, if it costs money or I can't borrow it, it's not worth it. This sounds like I'm about to get on a sustainability/living green high horse but I'm not, not here anyway :) My new perspective is going deeper than just me becoming less materialistic and my love for living in community, God is starting to show me how His people are supposed to live.
Roughly two weeks ago on a Friday night we had all night prayer, which is normal for a Friday night. This particular night we felt like the Holy Spirit was working in the prayer room and I wanted to see what would happen, even though I was fasting and felt like I could eat an entire pizza in five minutes. There were about 15 of us there and throughout the night we were praying out, interceding, praying for each other, singing, dancing, worshiping and just going all out. Around 2 in the morning certain people were being slain in the spirit and that continued until the morning, during which the prayer and worship went to a whole different level. When I got slain in the spirit I couldn't think, I just experienced a loss of physical control over my body but I was completely without fear. I couldn't move my body at all but God was ministering to me even though I was fully conscious and it was just radical. There is absolutely no feeling like that and I woke up from it feeling blessed that the Holy Spirit manifested itself in me, which is something that I had been praying for for a couple of weeks by then.
Around 5:00 in the morning someone leaned over to me and said, "this is so cool, it's like we are actually doing what we were created to do!" Even in my sleep deprived state I knew that this was the truth, we were created by God to be in intimate relationship with Him, end of story. We can get hung up on the specifics of how our Christian walk is supposed to look but if what we are doing to "please" God isn't bringing us closer to Him, it's not pleasing to Him, it's only pleasing to this world which will never bring full satisfaction. I could do one hour of Bible reading every day and the world would say I am being a good Christian but if I am not gaining a more intimate relationship with God through it, then it is nothing more than a show, I might as well spend my time reading a novel (not knocking novels, just an example).
I am leaving for Vanuatu in about three weeks and I will be there for two and a half months for my mission outreach with my team. It is like the best stereotype of a mission trip: go to a culture that is not as technologically advanced as mine in a climate that is different from mine and preach the gospel to a people that look different than me. During the past week though God has been convicting me of that particular mindset and reminding me that these are not just an exotic people group, they are children of God and Jesus died and rose again so He could be with them for eternity, just like He did for me. I felt quite a bit humbled after that. The reality is that I am going to Vanuatu because God has called me there along with my team to show Him to the people. It is not because I think I am so qualified to be a missionary, because I'm not, but God told me to go so I'm going. I know that I am going to have to rely on Him every step of the way but that's okay, because that is what I was created to do in the first place! Any souls that are gained for the kingdom of God are just glory to Him, not to me or anyone else because what we are doing is showing them what they were created for and the awesome knowledge that the creator of the universe wants to have an intimate relationship with them. Chew on that for a bit, it will change your world.

Too Small

2009-11-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry I’m coming in a bit late on this post but I needed to take some time to talk to God about how vulnerable I wanted to make myself, especially over the internet. I’m going to try and communicate as best I can my experience, but the reality is I am still trying to process everything.
For about two weeks now I have been feeling sort of burnt out by this school and lectures and this environment. I love it here, but it is a really intensely spiritual place and for some reason I was feeling this need to perform, not necessarily because people were telling me to but because I felt like because I am a Christian and I have been one for awhile, I should be able to execute each activity perfectly. I should be able to intercede and see the fruits of it, every worship service I should experience the power of the Holy Spirit, every Friday night when we evangelize I should bring at least one person to Christ and everything I do should be done with absolute joy because I have Christ in my heart. None of the things I just mentioned are bad and I still feel like they are all possible, but the pressure to perform all the time was just caving in on me and I felt like I was drowning in my own inadequacy. In retrospect I can see that those feelings were lies planted in me by the enemy but when I was in it I couldn’t see it, I was blinded by pressure and stress and the more I let myself wallow in it, the less I could or even wanted to talk to God.
Last week our lecture series was on the nature and character of God, focusing on His bigness, His perfection and His goodness, and through learning about that, we learned fear of the Lord. It would take forever if I wrote out all the revelations I got last week through the teachings, but basically God is huge, He is too perfect to tolerate sin, yet He is good enough that He loves us even as the creator of the universe. Meditate on those three aspects; it will blow your mind. As I meditated on it, God started to open my eyes a little bit to His heart and frankly, I didn’t know how to react to it. Suddenly all my concerns about if I was doing everything right and why wasn’t I feeling God move in my heart and life like I thought He would seemed incredibly selfish and petty. I serve the God of the universe, whatever I do is not for my benefit or even for others but it should all be to the glory of God.
Last Friday we had an amazing worship service and I was getting into it and I was trying to bring my heart to a place where I was not worshiping for what I could get out of it, but because God is amazing and He deserves all the glory the universe can give Him and infinitely more. We got to one of those in between song parts where the guitar is still going and everyone is praying out and I was praying that the Holy Spirit would start to move in that place, He did. I strongly felt the need to drop to my knees and on my knees I kept my hands raised upwards and I just kept calling out “Holy, Holy, Holy are you Lord God, God you are so holy,” in various arrangements of those words but you get the idea. While I was crying that out I was weeping and shaking uncontrollably, I wasn’t sobbing but the tears were free-flowing out of my eyes. What was weird was that I was fully conscious out what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop, God was physically moving me and telling me that He was big enough to make me submit to His will but He was too loving to do that. Nevertheless He is worthy of everything I am and everything I have.
Several minutes later it suddenly stopped, tears and all and I remained on my knees, just listening and waiting for what God may do next. Very quietly He began to minister to me and we began to have a conversation about life after DTS. I told Him that I was so excited to go back to Harbor Covenant and tell everyone what I have learned and I heard Him say “too small.” Ok, so I suggested that maybe I teach a Sunday school class and minister to those I work with and again He said “too small.” I offered up several other options and again I heard the same response, so I clammed up for a bit and let Him talk. “Show me to the nations” is what I heard from Him. I remembered an earlier word that someone got for me that said “The Lord says He will show me who He is, and I will show others” and my first thought is that He really wasn’t kidding around. I sat there in quiet reverence for what He had just showed to me and every part of me wanted to fight it, but after the power I had just experienced from Him I knew I couldn’t fight it. He is God, an awesome, wonderful, powerful, good, loving and perfect God, who am I to question Him? Who am I to think that anything other than total submission is possible? Who am I to think that I know better? The thought did cross my mind that I could just ignore Him, go back to Gig Harbor and God could use me there and someone else could go into the nations. It is true that God could use someone else, but if He specifically called me then how can I say no? I would be missing out on the adventure of a lifetime! Yes it might mean sacrifice and I may have to change my life plans but that doesn’t matter because my life should be nothing but glory to God. So yea, that’s where I’m at right now, nothing is set in stone but the wheels are definitely turning.

Wounds

2009-10-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

This weeks lectures are all about looking at the sin or other weak areas in our lives and finding the source of those issues so that we can truly be free of them. Yesterday we dealt specifically with wounds from the past and how to go about truly forgiving the people or situations that you got them from. Here's an excerpt from my journal:
If we truly forgive someone, lay it all at the foot of the cross and even go as far as to bless the person who offended us, has the wound fully healed? Are we really made completely new or did the bleeding stop and now there is scarred skin that sealed it up? It doesn't hurt, it's not infectious, it doesn't affect your life and it may even make a good story, but it is still there, a scar from your past. Is that scar separate from you, or does it become a part of you much like a birthmark. You can't forget what has happened to you, it's a part of your story, your journey. That scar is a page marker from a chapter of your life, you could go back and read it for old time's sake but isn't it so much more exciting and freeing to read what is coming next? I feel like we all need to go through the steps of forgiveness but we shouldn't pretend it never happened, we shouldn't hide our scars for fear of remembering the wound. For if that really is our fear then we have not fully forgiven and reconciled. God may want you to show your scar so you can come alongside someone who has the same wound you did. In this way we can show them there is forgiveness, reconciliation and hope for the wound because your scar is proof that God can heal anything.

Please Pray for Our Base

2009-10-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

This week we start the teaching on healings, driving out demons and bringing the Kingdom of God to earth in both lecture and practical application form. We are only a day and a half into it and it has been awesome and we have already seen some amazing things happen. On the downside, Satan knows that this week our lives are going to be changed and he doesn't want us to know that we have authority over his minions or that we can do God's kingdom work. Consequently, we have had two people go to the hospital, several people wake up feeling sick and I myself got a phone call from back home that absolutely broke my heart (RIP Peter), all within the last 24 hours. The devil wants us to be so distracted and so discouraged that we cannot focus on this weeks lessons, which are so critical for our outreach missions and furthering the mission of Jesus. If you are reading this, please take some time in your day to pray and intercede for us here that we will not succumb to the devil's schemes, that he will have no power here and that the students here, myself included, will be able to focus and comprehend this weeks lessons. I will keep you all posted as to what comes out of this week, but please be praying for us.
Mahalo!

Home? Immersion? Indwelling?

2009-10-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

I've been living here on the island for three weeks now and a weird thing is starting to happen, I feel like I have always been here. Yesterday I was walking through the shopping center behind the base which is starting to feel like the back of my hand, through the back alley that leads to my house, walked up my steps into my front door and it truly felt like my house, not just the place where I am living. Then I walked out my back door and a small dance party was breaking out, people were laughing and having fun together and it felt like a real community. But it's more than a community, it's a giant family of young believers in Christ from all over the world who have come to this school to love God and love others. Consequently, we love each other and hang out and have fun, but it is almost like our spirits are being brought together in pursuit of a common goal. I find myself getting lost in this beautiful, awesome island life and bonding with the people here at a deeper level than I would normally find comfortable, and I love it.
Then I see a missed call on my cell phone from my family and I remember, I'm not home, I'm several thousand miles and a few time zones from it. That three weeks ago I would have given anything to go home and didn't think that I would be able to make it without seeing my family or town for six months. Part of that hasn't changed, I still miss my family and friends like crazy but I keep expecting to see them here, not to go home to see them if that makes any sense at all. For the first time in a really long time I am starting to feel truly comfortable in my own skin, I don't worry about being judged by anyone other than God and since I haven't know the people here very long, I feel like a get a fresh start on my life. Not that I have anything to hide, but people here are getting to know me for the person I am now, not for whatever memory they have of me from years ago.
I think the biggest reason why I feel so content here is that I know God is here and doing some seriously over due work on my soul. The statement "walking with the Lord" makes sense to me because I have to do it every day because He is the only thing that I brought with me to this place. I feel like God has been telling me that this is His and my time, no distractions, just us taking time to get to know each other. Cool thing, before we even got here the staff prayed over our names and wrote down whatever words God gave them to say to us. On my paper it says, "The Lord says, 'I will show you who I am, and you will show others'." The more I think on what it says, the more joy, that's the only word that describes it, fills my heart for what I am doing and what is to come in my walk with Him. Basically, my heart has finally made a permanent home for God to dwell, which is probably why I feel so at home here. It really isn't about location or community, it's about where I feel closest with God in my life, which at the moment is right here on Oahu. So don't worry everyone, I am still coming back to Gig Harbor next March, but where my heart will be is yet a mystery.

Vanuatu!

2009-10-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

So, I'M GOING TO VANUATU FOR OUTREACH!
Part of the reason why I am so excited to tell you this is because the lead-up to this decision was a lot of wrestling with God and trying to get His plan to fit mine, didn't work. A lot of you know that Thailand is on my heart and it is my dream to do missions and social justice work over there, especially in the sex industry. So, when we went to pray about where to go I was fully expecting for God to confirm what I already thought in my head would be the perfect place for me to go.
But once I started talking to Him, He just kept closing the door and telling me that I'm not ready, He has a different and better plan. For awhile there I was really sad, angry, frustrated, confused, all those emotions that you don't want to feel when you're trying to follow God's call. Vanuatu was on the list of choices and it just kept catching my eye and the name kept rolling around in my head. I had never heard anything about it so I had nothing to base my decision on and I was just so scared about the unknown. I just prayed that if this is the right choice that He would give me peace about it, and it was almost instantaneous that I knew this was His choice for me.
Right now I am just so excited I can barely sit still long enough to type, but this is still a faith thing for me. I don't know what to expect or what I will be doing but I know that this is where God wants me to go and He will prepare the way, and that's all I need to know and understand right now.
By the way, here's a map so you have some point of reference, basically I'm not getting winter this year!

Courage

2009-09-30T01:38:00.000-07:00

Just as an announcement, I would love to blog more and give you all up to the second updates, but the reality is my time is pretty filled up here and free time is usually spent resting/napping. I will continue to blog, but it may not be a daily thing.
Moving on, today was one of those days that starts off well and normal and then like a sitcom, a problem arises. Started the morning off with time set aside to sit and read my Bible, journal, pray, etc and I felt pretty pumped up for the day. The morning lecture was an intro course in the Holy Spirit and denominations. YWAM itself is non-denominational but they do acknowledge that we all come from different church backgrounds but in the end, we are all here because we love Jesus, we want to serve Him and make Him known. The biggest difference between denominations according to an expert that I can't remember their name right now, is the movement and use of the Holy Spirit. This was an interesting way to put it because I have had a couple different church homes over the course of my life and there were definitely some churches that were moved more often by the Holy Spirit, and others were good too, just not really Holy Spirit driven. While the speaker was telling his testimony of how the Holy Spirit has worked in his life, I started to get scared. Not scared of the Holy Spirit, I've seen speaking and tongues, healings, etc. enough to know that there is nothing to be afraid of seeing it, I became scared at the fact that I might be the one that experiences it. I don't know how I would act if the Holy Spirit manifested itself in me, or if I was able to speak in tongues, heal people, or even call out evil spirits. At that point I would be looking into the world of the supernatural, and I would not be able to look back. Even now I am at that point where now that I know that having an authentic experience with the Holy Spirit is possible, I feel like I have to pursue it, to use a really heavy word, it is my destiny to pursue it. I don't want a stagnant faith, I want to grow, but this is a realm of faith that is way outside my comfort zone.
Later on tonight we had a really cool worship time (2 solid hours of praising God, sweet!) And during the time we had the opportunity to go to the back of the room to get our feet washed and to be prayed over by two of the staff members. After much debate, I went back there and after they prayed an initial prayer over me, they both said that the one word that they kept hearing for me was "Courage." Specifically they said it would be courage in the face of spiritual warfare, in evangelism, and in going to do missions throughout the world. It still is blowing my mind how God was able to speak through them to tell me an exact answer to my fears. The staff didn't know what was going through my mind that day, but God did. He met me where I am and confirmed it through two other people.
I am still a little nervous about encountering the Holy Spirit, but I don't feel scared anymore because I know that God will grant me the courage to accept it and to use it in a way that glorifies Him.

The Cool, and the Not So Cool

2009-09-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

Waking up to day number four here on the YWAM Honolulu base so here is a quick update, as well as a few things I have learned since leaving Gig Harbor. When it comes to airports and planes:

1. In security, get behind guys traveling alone, they take way less time to get through the line.
2. Buy water before you get on the plane, unless you are content with sipping water in child's tea cup portions for the rest of the flight.
3. No caffeine, flight time is nap time.
4. Sit next to the scary looking tattooed guy, they are usually much nicer, friendlier, and quieter than anyone else on the plane.

The ride to the base was fairly uneventful, minus some staff on student pranking. The first two days was just a lot of walking around and finding something to do until everyone arrived on Thursday. The bummer about all that down time was that it was too much time to think about how homesick we all were. I have to admit, the first couple days were rough and it would not have taken much to get me on a plane back home. I still am incredibly homesick, but it is better now that we have things to do to take our minds off it.
Cool thing though, on Wednesday another girl and I took the bus to Ala Moana beach to hang out. I went swimming in the ocean and I went about 100 yards from the shore and I saw a sea turtle! I thought it was just a large clump of seaweed but then it stuck its head and flippers above water and it was huge! I swam closer to look at it but then it started swimming towards me and it was about 2.5 feet long and I don't know if they bite so I swam away from it. I'm kind of getting used to seeing animals and cool plants everywhere I go. I opened the bathroom door yesterday morning and 3 ghecos scattered off the walls, yesterday we went to the beach again and a girl and I swam out to the reef and saw all these angelfish and other colorful reef fish, everywhere you look there are cats. That last one doesn't seem very exciting but there is an amazing amount of cats here, none of them nice. So, over the past four days, here is what I have learned about Hawaii:

1. You are never going to stop sweating, just accept that now.
2. Due to number 1, you are never going to want to take a hot shower, rather you want the coldest shower you can stand.
3. Drink as much water as you can get your hands on.
4. The bus is your friend, keep your bus ticket and you might just get the trip going back for free.
5. Sunscreen, sunscreen, and sunscreen again.
6. Buy a foam mattress topper

Thus far, I have definitely had some good moments and I am rooming with some pretty cool people, two from Canada, one from Texas and another from Finland. The atmosphere here is very relaxed and it is a very spiritual place. The worship is awesome and since none of us had room to pack books, we have all turned to reading our Bibles. A lot of the distractions that we would feel at home all have fallen away and we have more time and energy to focus on God. Right now I am looking forward to really getting into the word and the lectures and the energy of this place for the next couple months. And getting my camera cord so I can post some pictures!

By the way, I love mail.

Madison Graffe, DTS September 2009
2707 Hipawai Place
Honolulu, HI 96822
USA

I'm really doing this? Oh Yeah!

2009-09-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

Four days.
I have four days to pack, clean my fish tank, write thank you notes, write out instructions on how to take care of my plants and fish, do laundry, make sure my compassion kid will get paid for, get in a few more hours at the office, buy last minute supplies and see everyone. And in four days this state of panic will cease to exist and in its place will be....will be....I have no idea. The thing is, in four days, I will be unemployed, living in a cabin with people I've never met from around the world, fishless and Gig Harbor-less. I will be on the island of Oahu on the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) Honolulu base where I will be doing a DTS (Discipleship Training School) until after Christmas, when I will then depart to the South Pacific for a mission/outreach.
I am so very excited for this experience but at the same time I feel a huge knot in my stomach every time I think about getting on that flight. Part of the reason for that knot is I am super connected to my family and friends here and I know that I am going to miss them like crazy. But what makes me even more nervous is that by deciding to do this I have put myself in the perfect position for God to completely change, break, and rebuild me into a useful servant to Him. That song "brokenness is what I long for, brokenness is what I need" is becoming more and more real to me each day and I know that I will not come out of this experience unchanged. Nevertheless, I want Him to change me, I want to go deeper in Christ and further in mission and I am excited to live a live that glorifies Him. Oh, and to live in Hawaii for three months :)
I am blogging throughout this experience partly to keep you all informed on what I am doing, especially those that contributed to my trip (a million times thank you!) and as a way to process my thoughts and broadcast the most coherent to the world wide web. Hope to see you before I leave, if I don't, don't worry, I got a blog!
Aloha! -Madison